4 Common Assumptions We Make When Talking to People Who Don’t Think Like Us

Halfway through The Doubter’s Club training session titled Death to Tribes and Biases, I will ask the participants the following question, “What bias does your tribe require you to have?” In other words, what people would be considered outsiders to your in-group? What worldview are you most dismissive to? In an “us vs. them” world, who is the “them?” When Jesus said to love your enemy, according to your tribe, which ideology was He talking about?

Interacting with opinionated people is never easy. Especially when their opinions are different from yours. Oftentimes, it puts us on the defensive, causing us to respond by making assumptions about why they think the way they do. Making assumptions about another person is just one of the many behaviors we use to protect our thoughts, beliefs, and actions. How does making assumptions protect our actions?And while you may be right some of the time, becoming defensive is wrong every single time. By identifying the common assumptions we have about people who don’t think like us, my hope is that you will experience the joy that comes from curiosity and compassion. 

1. We assume we/they can handle disagreement.

The more certain someone is about their beliefs, the less likely they are to handle disagreements well. In such cases, certainty is an idol where an individual gets their sense of worth, and to threaten that idol is to threaten their sense of worth. The goal, therefore, is not stronger arguments to cement our stake in the ground. The goal is confidence, not certainty. 

In our pursuit of confidence, we find ourselves willing to listen to other perspectives. If those perspectives are true, our confidence is put in the truth. If they are not true, we have further confidence in the direction we are going. In the words of my mentor, “If you want them to admit they are wrong, you have to be willing to do the same.” 

A quick litmus test for ourselves and others is to find out if the topic being discussed is a belief they have held since their childhood. In such cases, rarely has the individual thought through the complexities of that held belief. It was required for them to be acceptable to their “in-group.” Changing that belief would mean they would be seen as an outsider from those closest to them. Let them know they are accepted by you regardless of how they think on the issue first. People need a long runway for new ideas to take off.

2. We assume the wrong responsibility. 

What if the person you are talking to dies in a car crash on the way home? What if Jesus comes back before the conversation ends? What if this is the only time they have to hear the Gospel? In short, it’s not your responsibility. You are responsible to love them well, and God is responsible for just about everything else. In the words of Bob Goff, “I used to want to fix people, but now I just want to be with them.”

One of the modern critiques the unchurched community has of the church is that we are unable to convene with the non-believer without trying to convert them. Or make them take a next step so we can eventually see them become a Christian. And while salvation is the ultimate experience we could invite someone to, it was never meant to be an ulterior motive within an otherwise authentic friendship. Some of the people in your life will never become a Jesus follower, but every one of them needs to be loved by Jesus through you. Despite what your in-group may have taught you growing up, you are not responsible to lead your coworkers in the sinner’s prayer. 

3. We assume listening is losing. 

Listening is a simple, disarming tool that signals respect and interest to the other person. If this skill is modeled to others, it will set a norm where all people feel welcome. The problem is, we often assume that listening is losing since we didn’t share our Christian perspective on the issue. 

I have found that when I listen more intently to my atheist friends, I am able to ask better questions. I’m able to help them see what they wouldn’t see otherwise. Listening leads to good questions, and good questions lead to personal discoveries and inside jokes. All the things real relationships are made of! 

This has been most helpful when leading Doubter’s Clubs. More times than I would like to admit, I prepared an apologetic answer to what I assumed was going to be the skeptics main objection. However, the times I chose to listen, I realized that every objection to Christianity has a story behind it. Stories need to be felt before they encounter facts. Listening allows you to feel what they feel so you can, eventually, know how to say what needs to be said. 

4. We assume the conversation is the goal. 

Jesus was a friend of sinners, not just friendly to them. The goal is not to have a conversation with the drug addict and money launderer. The goal is to become friends with them. And lest we are confused about what it means to be a friend, we know the lowest standard for Jesus was to be around them enough to be associated with them. 

When I was in youth group my youth pastor used to tell me, “show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.” While there is wisdom in choosing who is influencing you (especially as a youth), it’s clichés like this that negatively influence us in the end. For the longest time, I used to keep atheists and agnostics at a distance through having friendly conversations that would never amount to a real relationship. Why? Because, “if I’m not careful,” I would think to myself, “I will end up leaving the faith like them.”

Maybe I have a personal vendetta against that particular phrase, but if you show me your friends and they all think like you, I’ll show you a future where you don’t look like Jesus. Jesus made His life about those who His in-group wanted nothing to do with. From tax collectors to Zealots, Jesus sought friendship over friendly interactions.             

What now?

 Become aware of your assumptions.  

 Identify which assumption is your default when talking to someone who doesn’t think like you. It will take a few reps for you to not think that way. Especially if you have held those assumptions for a while. The real work is in being mindful of what is happening, and choosing to hold to a separate, more sensible belief.              

Become free from the pressure.

Remember that people are not a means to any end. They are an end in themselves. People are the goal! Free yourself from the overwhelming pressure to make anything happen. They don’t have to change their mind, you don’t have to save them, and listening is a win.